Deadliest Catch Kalamazoo
The Discovery channel announced today that filming for season 13 of the hit TV series Deadliest Catch will take place on Michigan’s Kalamazoo River. “We’re stoked to get in that water and go toe-to-toe with the crazy stuff swimming and crawling around in that cesspool” stated Andy Hillstrand, co-owner and captain of the Time Bandit. Crab wrangling captains and their crews will be dredging some of the deadliest creatures known to slither and scuttle beneath the surface of Michigan’s deadliest river.
Creatures in the K-zoo are evolving at an unprecedented rate thanks to toxic sediments, oil pollution, and thousands of industrial waste discharge pipes pumping up the flows and the biodiversity of the watershed. Despite the expectation of casualties during filming, the Discovery channel could not pass up the opportunity to raise the bar on the fleet and improve ratings that have flat-lined in recent years.
“It was a tough secret to keep with those giant boats being launched last week” stated the shows production manager Jimmy Slaussen. Harpoon stations, grenade launchers, and mounted machine guns were but a few of the many alterations made to the fleet to put down whatever might get hauled aboard and fend off locals rumored to be downright terrifying.
Northwestern captain Sig Hansen opposes the decision and has declined to join the fleet during the K-zoo venture. “It’s asinine! I’ll take my chances on the Bering sea in January” commented Hansen. Captain keith Colburn of the venerable Wizard is rumored to have swapped out his crab pots for bear traps.
Narrator Mike Rowe is no stranger to the area having filmed 34 episodes of Dirty Jobs during the many oil spill cleanups that have taken place on the K-zoo. The channel is rumored to be filming a number of spin-off shows in Michigan including Allegan Bush People, Moonshiners of Hesperia, Naked and Afraid in Baldwin, and Fast N Loud – Muskegon River Jet Sleds.