* Tuesday Bananas is a once a week satire column intended for entertainment purposes only. No fish were harmed in the creation of this post.
Nestle Admits No Ice Mountain In Evart, MI
Consumers of Ice Mountain bottled water were shocked this week when news of the deception was announced. For years, area residents have been on the lookout for the Ice Mountain that can be found on Nestlé’s bottled water taken from Evart. “It’s adorable how the local folks think that there is an actual ice mountain” commented company representatives. When asked if Evart’s residences are dim-witted, the response was about as clear as a bottle of zebra mussel filtered Muskegon River water “they’ve let us take nearly 4 billion gallons of groundwater from them since 2005 for free, what do you think?”
Upon hearing the news, residents were quick to dispute allegations of having a gullible nature. “Of course we knew there was no ice mountain and yes, I checked again today to find that Evart is not in the dictionary under gullible” commented local resident Dale Gunderson. To their credit, some area residents confused the 2,500 foot pile of off-spec water bottles near the company’s bottling plant as the ice mountain. “In the summer when that bottle mountain gets hot, the sun shining through the BPA cloud is downright beautiful” mentioned Gunderson.
“Look, their high school team mascot is literally a babe in the woods” commented company representatives, “we just can’t help ourselves”. “In fact, it was kind of a joke when we asked for another hundred million gallons of groundwater but they just smiled and said sure, why not?”
When asked why Evart doesn’t drive a harder bargain or at least charge a fee for groundwater sold for profit, town officials commented “we heard you can’t put a price on Pure Michigan so of course that’s why it’s free”. The future is definitely uncertain at the headwaters of the Muskegon River as species indigenous to the watershed prepare to feel the full effect of the Nestle crunch.
On the more serious side
Nestle is working to double-down on bottling groundwater from the headwaters of the Muskegon River. Osceola County and the DEQ are set to approve an increase of nearly 2.5 times their current withdrawal, amounting to about 576,000 gallons-per-day or 210 million gallons-per-year. One would think that the DEQ would advocate the resource but they’ve instead quietly given their seal of approval despite less than favorable computer modeling data concluding that a massive increase in Nestlé’s harvest of Muskegon River tributary groundwater may not be favorable for the watershed (not to mention the big picture issue of millions of additional plastic bottles set free in the world – not exactly environmental stewardship at its finest).
For those interested in voicing an opinion, public comments on the Nestle proposal (http://www.michigan.gov/documents/deq/deq-odwma-ehs-nwsu-nestle_section17_application_533989_7.pdf) are being accepted until March 3, 2017. Comments may be sent to firstname.lastname@example.org