Tuesday Bananas

Bananas: Fly-Tying Edition

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If, like me, you have an Instagram feed filled with strangers who share the passion of fly fishing, you’ve no doubt noticed that the big deal right now is streamers.  It seems like everyone and their brother is coming up with new ways of slapping a fancy head on a couple of wooly buggers that are joined together by coated wire and plastic beads.  But rip’n and swing’n streamers is a ton of fun and for those that TYOF (tie-your-own-flies…it’ll catch on, trust me), putting them together is the ultimate way of flexing your creative muscle and earning sick social media cred.

So, as a budding tier , I thought I’d get in on the game before it’s over and come up with some new patterns myself.  The following are some recent creations I’ve conjured up based off of trends I’ve noted on Instagram and Facebook.  I’ve shared as much of my recipes as I can….but honestly some of it is just pure unaccountable genius that comes from bourbon and copious amount of snack foods from the health food aisle at Kroger.

First up….I call this the Fire ‘Tot Jr.  I derived this pattern from the growing trend of using “masks” for the heads of streamers such as the Fish-Skull brand helmets (which in keeping with the tradition of natural materials for flies, are made from real fish skulls. Gross right?!)   For the FT Jr.,  I’ve made my fish helmet extend a….bit….longer down the body of the streamer.  I’ve also taken the little “cone thing” that goes with the Salmon Snake pattern, cut it in half and used it on the front of the mask to help with the dive and wiggle of the fly.  The hooks are custom made “triple B10s”…but as a friend-to-the-fish, I’ve bent all the barbs so they won’t get hurt.  Rounding it off, we have a dubbed collar and legs up front with (of course) copious amounts of marabou out back.  This is a big hit for Michigan Salmon and Steelhead.

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Great fly pattern to work into holes from the top of the run!

My second pattern came from watching Chief Rocka’ have a pre-mid life crisis last year with Muskie streamers.  Looking more into these patterns, I’ve decided that there are three things you MUST have.  More deer hair than you can possibly imagine, Game Changer levels of articulation and massive proportions.  What I’ve done here is taken that to extremes…so much so that I need three vices to make it.  For hooks, I’ve selected four that Tiemco list as suitable for Blue Marlin and something called a Giant Trevally (I have no clue what kind of fish that is…I’m afraid of the ocean so I’m not Googling it).  I’ve wrapped each hook with a full pack of buck tail and distributed at least three packs of Flashabou throughout the pattern.  The fly is garnished with some wing feathers from a red tail hawk to give it extra enticing action when you do the required Figure-8 move! Get meat!

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Deer hair gives bulk without weight so it will be a cinch to cast.

My final pattern is aimed at the more artistic tyers who design patterns that look so lifelike, you’d think it were a real critter!  Some of you tiers out there are crazy talented with spinning deer hair, shaping “game changer” materials or crafting resin into super realist streamers and to emulate that style I’ve chosen to create a lifelike baby trout pattern.  This streamer was made 100% with a hot glue gun, sharpie markers and googly eyes.  I have some improvements to make in my next rendition so it’s OK if you don’t quite see the “fish” shape in the pattern.  When it’s wet and moving in the water is when it all comes together.

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So real looking that it smells bad if you don’t use it soon after tying.

To wrap this up, my last fly here is not a new pattern but more of an idea for an accessory.  It’s a known fact that by adhering large quantities of fly fishing brand or shop logos on your truck windows, laptop, boat or family pet you increase your chance to catch fish by eleventy five percent.  So why not put them on our streamers as well?  If you can super glue googly eyes to a streamer, you can sure as heck glue a small decal on there as well.  By doing this, you not only increase your odds of hooking fish, but you increase the odds of getting high fives from your brahs when you show them your Bugger Box.   And if you are a fly shop owner or fly fishing gear manufacture, what better way to advertise than to have your logo hanging from trees and logs along the riverside by means of snagged flies?  This is my MBA at work here people….

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Look for your favorite fly fishing blog logo in a tree near you!

 

**Special thanks to all you folks out there that share your fly tying creativity and talents with us hack trying to better flies!


Pollution May Be The Asian Carp Solution

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Severe weather in the Midwest is taking a toll on Lake Michigan waterways as urban chloride pollution from 50 years of heavy winter road salt application has turned sections of area rivers turgid with nearly a half million tons of salt discharged into storm sewers each year.  Since 1960 when the use of road salt began, the salinity levels in the Chicago Area Waterway System have steadily increased to the point now that sections are now classified as salt water.  While Lake Michigan is relatively unaffected, thanks primarily to the reversed flow of the Chicago River, its immediate inland rivers no longer resemble fresh water.

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Surprisingly, this salt pollution has resulted in an intriguing opportunity in the war against Asian Carp. During the fall of 2016, an independent scientific coalition calling themselves SADSACS, Scientists and Democrats Seeking Asian Carp Solutions (Republicans commented that they have their hands full with an invasive species of their own) tested with favorable results the release of several predatory salt water species in a section of the Cal-Sag Channel.  A 6 ft hammerhead shark reportedly survived for 18 hours in the channel until it was caught and eviscerated by a local catfish angler confusing the giant fish with a mutant channel cat common to the area.  Despite the loss, SADSACS confirmed that the shark remained confined to salt laden waters of the channel.
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Hammerhead sharks were selected based their affinity for not only Asian carp but for anything remotely edible including small appliances, discarded auto parts, and empty cheese whiz cans littering the rivers.  The sharks are expected to live quite comfortably until carp eventually arrive in the kill zone. Watersport restrictions are being considered but debates are ongoing as to whether the waterways in question could become any more hazardous.

Confirmation that the salinity of Chicago and NW Indiana water has attained levels high enough to host ocean predators is seen as the likely solution to the Asian Carp conundrum.  In a related note, scientists in San Diego, CA recently provided disturbing evidence that hammerhead sharks are becoming increasingly tolerant to freshwater ecosystems.  When asked about a future involving the great lakes teeming with sharks, SADSACS representatives commented “Let’s just solve one problem at a time”

* Tuesday Bananas is a once a week satire column intended for entertainment purposes only.  No fish were harmed in the creation of this post.


Nestle Admits No Ice Mountain In Evart, MI

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Consumers of Ice Mountain bottled water were shocked this week when news of the deception was announced. For years, area residents have been on the lookout for the Ice Mountain that can be found on Nestlé’s bottled water taken from Evart.  “It’s adorable how the local folks think that there is an actual ice mountain” commented company representatives.  When asked if Evart’s residences are dim-witted, the response was about as clear as a bottle of zebra mussel filtered Muskegon River water “they’ve let us take nearly 4 billion gallons of groundwater from them since 2005 for free, what do you think?”5612036-ice-images

Upon hearing the news, residents were quick to dispute allegations of having a gullible nature.  “Of course we knew there was no ice mountain and yes, I checked again today to find that Evart is not in the dictionary under gullible” commented local resident Dale Gunderson.  To their credit, some area residents confused the 2,500 foot pile of off-spec water bottles near the company’s bottling plant as the ice mountain.  “In the summer when that bottle mountain gets hot, the sun shining through the BPA cloud is downright beautiful” mentioned Gunderson.

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“Look, their high school team mascot is literally a babe in the woods” commented company representatives, “we just can’t help ourselves”.  “In fact, it was kind of a joke when we asked for another hundred million gallons of groundwater but they just smiled and said sure, why not?”

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When asked why Evart doesn’t drive a harder bargain or at least charge a fee for groundwater sold for profit, town officials commented “we heard you can’t put a price on Pure Michigan so of course that’s why it’s free”.  The future is definitely uncertain at the headwaters of the Muskegon River as species indigenous to the watershed prepare to feel the full effect of the Nestle crunch.

* Tuesday Bananas is a once a week satire column intended for entertainment purposes only.  No fish were harmed in the creation of this post.

On the more serious side

Nestle is working to double-down on bottling groundwater from the headwaters of the Muskegon River.  Osceola County and the DEQ are set to approve an increase of nearly 2.5 times their current withdrawal, amounting to about 576,000 gallons-per-day or 210 million gallons-per-year.  One would think that the DEQ would advocate the resource but they’ve instead quietly given their seal of approval despite less than favorable computer modeling data concluding that a massive increase in Nestlé’s harvest of Muskegon River tributary groundwater may not be favorable for the watershed (not to mention the big picture issue of millions of additional plastic bottles set free in the world – not exactly environmental stewardship at its finest).

For those interested in voicing an opinion, public comments on the Nestle proposal (http://www.michigan.gov/documents/deq/deq-odwma-ehs-nwsu-nestle_section17_application_533989_7.pdf) are being accepted until March 3, 2017.  Comments may be sent to deq-eh@michigan.gov


Swingers Unite

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Fly fishermen choosing the alternate swing lifestyle have found themselves the subject of ridicule and jeers from nymphers, pluggers, centerpinners, and spin fishermen.  Although the method held mainstream appeal in recent years, it’s no longer the case as swingers are increasingly bashed for their choice of piscatorial presentation.  “It’s bad” commented Dale Farner, “I’ve been locked in the Pine Street outhouse, my truck tailpipe jammed with spawn, and the other day a Tenkara guy shoved me and called me a loser”.

Swing fishermen have recently realized kindred spirits with the original swing community.  “It’s no surprise” commented lifetime swinger Jim Barns, alongside his frisky wife Betty, “we all love to hook up”.  Citing additional similarities, Barns went on to comment “think about it, we both use intruders when conditions are right and we all like to work with jungle cock when we can get our hands on it”.  As it turns out, swing fishermen have recently taken a page from their kindred spirit brothers and sisters and have adopted the swingers pineapple as the international symbol of their preferred pastime.

“I don’t miss having that awkward conversation with new fishing partners” says Farner, “we both know what each other wants so we get right down to business”.  Nowadays, Farner is often seen browsing around local fly shops wearing his pineapple trucker lid.  “You’d be shocked to find out who swings these days, the camo wader crowd is surprisingly open”.

So if you’re finished being rejected by pals when you mention breaking out the spey rods and fat lines, take a cue from the original swing crowd and slap a pineapple decal on your bumper.  Whether swinging for steel or swinging for real, both groups agree that the tug is the drug.

* Tuesday Bananas is a once a week satire column intended for entertainment purposes only.  No fish were harmed in the creation of this post.


FishBrah App Release Announced

Buckle up brahs, the much anticipated FishBrah app is set for release on May 1.  This killer app is stacked with everything a brah needs to max their stream creds.

Brahs can tune up their streamside photo’s into epic shots.  Can’t grow that bro beard – no problem.  Forgot to sport that flat-brimmed hat today – gotcha covered.  Didn’t want to bring your psycho dog in the boat but want him in your shots – can do.  Want to spice up that shot with a flowing red cape – Done!  Just drag and drop from their extensive menu of goatees, bro beards, muttonchops, gangsta lids, and superhero accutraments.

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Right On Brah!

And it doesn’t stop there.  FishBrah ensures that photo’s posted to social media sites will get proper billing.  Want to kick off your post with 25 thumbs up – you’re covered.  Are you tired of aunt Betty commenting about your “pretty fish” – now her posts just say “right on brah!”  Are you done with those snarky comments like “that’s my favorite spot” or “I remember when I caught that fish” – they’re outta here.  Protect your prized posts and be the hero you deserve to be.

FishBrah IS the must-have app for all troutbums and brah’s.  Get yours May 1.

Upgraded versions of the Brah app will:

  • Allow you to auto generate a photo slide show that plays bluegrass music while transitioning from photo to photo
  • Post automatic comments to your buds social media updates – using phrases like: “so sweet”, “yup!”, “get some”, “rad”, “duuuude”, “boom”
  • You will be able to swap out the fish in your picture with the hot trendy fish of the year, options include: musky, carp, pike, catfish, bluegill, taimen, and bluegill

*A small upcharge is applied for premium features. 

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Fish Farmageddon

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***Folks, we interrupt your regularly schedule programming to bring you a special feature on the issues going on regarding the proposed fish farm on the historic Au Sable river.  While the information here may read as outlandish as other Tuesday Bananas articles, it is not embellished, nor is it satire.

A dangerous cocktail of entrepreneurial myopia, county officials willing to pimp out a priceless and fragile resource, and an agency asleep at the wheel has been poured in northern Michigan as the largest fish farming business in the state gears up for production just upstream of the famed Holy Waters of the Au Sable River.

Harietta Hills Trout Farm is on the verge of turning a simple caretaker arrangement with Crawford County to operate the historic Grayling Fish Hatchery into wads of cash as they plan to ramp production up from 20,000 pounds of trout annually to 300,000 pounds.

The East Branch of the Au Sable literally runs through the hatchery where river water is directed into rearing areas called raceways then right back into the river at a rate of 8.64 million gallons per day. Hatcheries with far less production are required to operate wastewater treatment systems with settling ponds and chemical treatments to bind and drop out phosphorous and other pollutants. But let’s not talk about that in the face of economic prosperity for Harietta Hills. Also, let’s not even mention the risk of introducing invasive species and disease to the Au Sable as hundreds of thousands of pounds of trout are moved in and out of the place each year. While we’re at it,

Let’s not ask why a study wasn’t required to understand impacts to pollution intolerant aquatic invertebrates such as mayflies, stoneflies, and caddis when a giant trout toilet is constantly flushed into their faces.

Let’s not discuss prudent lease requirements to rear only native species such as brook, brown, and rainbow trout OR discuss the effect on wild fish when farm fish, hopefully not exotics, escape into the Au Sable.

Let’s not get upset about the site’s MDEQ pollution permit that actually states “lowering of water quality is necessary to support the identified important social and economic development in the area”.

Let’s not ask about the moral hazard of Harietta Hills self-monitoring water quality by collecting their own weekly pollution discharge sampling and why it’s not done on a automated and continuous basis.

Let’s not discuss what happens when mass quantities of hatchery fish are treated with formalin, better known as formaldehyde, to remove parasites allowing residual chemical to flow into the river OR what happens when some knucklehead employee dumps 20 gallons instead of 20 ounces into the river.

Let’s not ask Harietta Hills why they need to go from 20,000 pounds to 300,000 pounds of trout in order to make the tourist attraction profitable.

Let’s not ask why Harietta Hills isn’t having to put up financial assurance such as a performance bond or environmental pollution coverage to restore damage that may be caused.

Let’s not ask MDNR or MDEQ why they are willing to allow phosphorous levels to increase with seasonal, summer fluctuations, instead of requiring more restrictive limits during the time of year fish are most stressed.

Let’s not discuss permit bypass provisions which allow, during unavoidable events including property damage, for effluent limitations to be exceeded.

Let’s not discuss the risk of whirling disease, known to increase when raceways are filled to capacity.

Harietta Hills says they are simply responding to a seafood crisis and that we should get behind them.  It would seem that their motives are a bit less altruistic and a bit more capitalistic.  Regarding economic benefit, just how many jobs will this will actually create, maybe a couple?  How many jobs do we stand to lose if guides, restaurants, hotels, and retailers, are unable to make money off the amazing fishery that exists today?

Allowing a giant trout farm in the headwaters of the AuSable is simply bananas.

Go to Anglers of the Au Sable webpage to learn more and make a donation.


Heavy Expectations for Flint River Bass

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Credible reports of behemoth smallmouth action resulted in Bassmaster rescheduling this year’s Classic, previously scheduled for Tulsa, OK, to the Flint River in Michigan.  Toxic river conditions will likely result in lower than normal catch numbers, however, lead-infused bass have tournament officials expecting record breaking tournament results.  Anglers able to haul in just one or two of these metallic monsters are likely to break the 65 pound longstanding tournament record.

With the tournament merely weeks away, anglers are scrambling to decorate their hazmat suits, a requisite given the nature of conditions, with sponsor logo’s and color schemes unique to each contestant’s image. Monofilament and fluorocarbon lines simply melt when exposed to the Flint River so anglers are spooling up with a variety of braided metallic products capable of withstanding the extreme environment. Expect to see boats coated with impervious truck-liner materials and anglers waving metal detectors instead of relying on traditional sonar equipped fish finders.

Tournament fish, typically released at designated locations following each day’s weigh-in, will be belt-fed into a portable onsite incinerator to assist with the removal of lead from the ecosystem. Remarkable opportunity arises as the world looks toward Flint Michigan to figure out the crisis in their water system.

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* Tuesday Bananas is a once a week column intended for entertainment purposes only.


New Direction for Michigan Fisheries

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The Michigan DNR enthusiastically announced this week that they will be making some exciting changes to their 2016 fisheries plan. Stocking programs previously geared toward rainbow and brown trout, chinook salmon, and steelhead will be scuttled and replaced with a host of species from the Amazon basin including golden dorado, payara, and piranha.  “We figured what the hell? Asian carp are knocking on the door, gobies are everywhere, and zebra mussels carpet the bottom of our rivers. How can we make this place any worse?” commented DNR representative Jimmy Lee Farnsworth.

Most view this as apparent evidence that MDNR has simply thrown in the towel in favor of a shotgun approach with a bit of scorched earth policy sprinkled in. “These fish exhibit a tenacity and resilience to nearly everything Michigan rivers will put in their way from frigid winter temps to springtime floods and summertime heat.

Let’s get a better look at this year’s starting lineup

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Salminus brasiliensis, or golden dorado, are incredibly strong, acrobatic fighting fish that attain weights in excess of 30 pounds. This migratory gamefish will take a variety of streamers, dead drift flies and even surface swung presentations not unlike Atlantic salmon. They sport an impressive set of choppers earning them the nickname pit bull of the trout world.

Payara

Payara Photo Credit

Hydrolicus scomberoides, or payara, are a ferocious migratory gamefish commonly referred to as Jurassic salmon since they are constructed similar to a giant Atlantic salmon and share a metallic silver sheen. The mouth of the payara is what sets them apart from all other gamefish, as they sport an intimidating set of razor sharp fangs which protrude from the lower jaw like two glistening tusks.

Piranha

Piranha Photo Credit

Phygocentrus nattereri, or piranha, because, why not? Smaller than the others, they range from 5.5 to 10.2 inches in length with trophies in the 17 inch class. They have a single row of tightly packed sharp teeth that are interlocked for puncturing and shearing flesh. Similar to bluegill in their fight, the real challenge is being able to remove hooks before one’s fingers are removed.

When asked regarding the impact, if any, recreational users of Michigan lakes and streams this will experience, Farnsworth commented “I don’t think inner tube floating is going to be that popular anymore.  Also, anyone trying to snag a Payara is likely to be eviscerated”.  Amazon basin plants are expected to clean up what remains of chinook salmon and most living creatures in the Great Lakes region in a matter of weeks.

It took nearly 60 million years for these fish to make their way to Michigan. No longer will deforestation, illegal poaching, water pollution, wetland degradation and oil spills be what makes Michigan and the Amazon basin so similar. Now we’ll have some of their ferocious fish.

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***If you like Tuesday Bananas and want to show your support, or even if you don’t like Tuesday Bananas and you hate us and want to defile our swag that took painstaking seconds to create, CLICK HERE FOR INFO

 

* Tuesday Bananas is a once a week column intended for entertainment purposes only.


Disorders Among Fly Fishermen Revealed

The Psychiatric Association of America recently updated their exhaustive list of over 500 mental disorders with a number of sport-related conditions. Unsurprisingly, Fly fishermen were found to identify with conditions unique to their sport.fishing

Grip-n-grinitis

Fly fishermen are susceptible to this condition following prolonged periods of fishless outings such as the fall of 2015 when most Michigan anglers failed to satisfy their self-imposed hero-shot quotas. Grip-n-grinitis causes frustrated fly fishermen to seek photo opportunities with anything slightly intriguing. Recognizing red flags and knowing the indicators of the disorder are important.

During early onset, those afflicted seem enamored with everyday items and often ask for a photo presenting the item, occasionally demanding a measurement. As the disorder manifests itself further, those stricken with the condition exhibit manic behaviors including high-fives and fist pumps following these meaningless sessions.

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     Learn to recognize the signs.  This man is dying inside

If not properly treated grip-n-grinitis can lead to more severe conditions including ED, tourettes, narcolepsy, and eventually heroin addiction. Help is not far away, and in fact, it goes by the name Ohio. Thirty or forty steelhead landed during a weekend trip to steelhead alley typically cures even the most afflicted fly fisherman and temporarily satiates the anglers need for attention.

Tactiphobia

This disorder is an intense fear of fly fishing techniques applied by others that do not resound with one’s personal preferences. Tactiphobics tend to overzealously persecute those who do not subscribe to their definition of the sport with an inability to show empathy for other human beings. Tactiphobics are generally easy to identify whether in person or in online chat forums where they can be found denigrating ideas not of their own. Tactiphobia is a psychopathological condition characterized by fantasies of supreme relevance, over inflated self-esteem, and megalomania.

Concensus among psychologists is that there is no known treatment for the disorder given that those suffering from the affliction have no interest in examining or changing their behaviors and tend to spiral into narcissistic insanity.

As with many conditions, early detection is of the utmost importance. Seek help if you or one of your friends exhibit signs of these disorders.  Learn to identify red flags, whether it’s something as small as asking for a picture with a nicely prepared omelette or large such as witnessing someone enthusiastically bash another angler’s methods.  PAA representatives ask fly fishermen to remain vigilant and stay tuned, clinical trials are underway for over 30 additional Fly Fishing disorders.

 

 

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2016 Fly Fishing Darwin Awards

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2015 yielded a bounty of Darwin Awards in the fly fishing category. For those unfamiliar with the prestigious award, it’s given to individuals who have contributed to human evolution by selecting themselves out of the gene pool via death or sterilization by their own actions. It’s quite apparent that not all fly fishermen are the intellectuals that they are made out to be.

Green River, UT – After talking-up his rowing skills, Joe Pulaski accepted a bet from friends that he could row Mother-In-Law, a class II rapid, blindfolded. Pulaski’s blindfold and 0.2 BAC eventually led to his demise as his boat spun perpendicular to the river and taco’d against the Mother herself in the center of the run.

Baldwin, MI – Stan Hurley was on fire during the fall of 2016. He consistently hooked fish while his friends could do nothing other than work the net. His life and his secret were both given up on a high water day last December in the flies only stretch of the PM when Stan became hung up on the far bank from where he was fishing. Taking a break, his friend Paul saw that he might be able to help and began walking downriver toward Stan who began reefing on the tangle and yelling “I’ve got it”. Fearing his dirty little secret from becoming known, Stan attempted to wade across the river and was carried under to his death. Stan and his spawn sack-tipped flies were both later dislodged from the lumber.

Newaygo, MI – Muskegon newbie boat owner Gavin Hurst was the victim of impatience this past spring when he became frustrated with the pace of a drift boat puttering upstream ahead of him.  Described by his fishing partner,  who miraculously survived the event, Hurst floored his new power drifter to pass on the inside bend just below piano rock at full throttle.  Just as Hurst raised his middle finger to salute the slow moving drift boat his boat caught the front edge of the giant rock, raking the bottom of his boat from stem to stern and exploding the lower unit of his new Mercury.  Hurst was gruesomely impaled by his centerpin rod and did not survive the impact.

Honorable Mentions, those individuals who survived their misadventures with their lives and/or reproductive capacity intact, were numerous last year. For his third year in a row, Hank Peterson found himself in a life and death struggle when he was struck by lightning while streamer fishing the Madison River during a thunderstorm. Following his 2015 event when a pike bit into his femoral artery, most thought Hank would start making better decisions.

Readers are encouraged to cast votes in favor of this year’s winner. Last year’s winner Martin Beele, who removed the front casting braces from his new drift boat for more space, won in a landslide. Cast your votes carefully and remember that style counts, not everyone who dies from their own stupidity can win.


Illegal Fly Tying Business Busted

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Kalamazoo police arrested a couple suspected of operating an illegal underage fly tying operation this past week in the quiet neighborhood of Milwood.  Search warrants were issued following an eight month sting focused on Jerry and Betsy Hankin, suspected of forced child labor involving their three children.

School representatives reportedly tipped off police in early 2015 when it was learned that the children were nicknamed after popular trout and steelhead flies. “After one of the kids was asked to be referred to as Glo-Bug we didn’t think much” noted Principal Gabe Henderson, “but after his sister mentioned that her parents now call her Size 22 Adams at home, we found that unusual”.

A grizzly scene awaited police in the basement of the home.  Although well adorned with high quality materials, tables and vises, the rest of the basement looked like a Barny-themed sweatshop.  Even more disturbing was the music being piped in which included “The hackle on the fly goes round and round” and “Itsy bitsy foam spider”.

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Attempting to defend his actions, Jerry Hankin stated “It’s not like we’re making them smelt iron, we pay them better than adults doing the same work in Kenya and Detroit.”  Hankin continued extolling the virtues of having flies tied by children such as their amazing dexterity and ability to tie the smallest flies with ease.  Hankin also commented that they exude a deep sense of accomplishment and satisfaction after 14 or 15 hours at the vise.

Commenting on the arrests, local fly shop owner Dale Schwartz stated “I’m shocked, I wasn’t aware that we could even buy flies tied by adults”.  Schwartz later asked for his statement to be redacted.

Tuesday Bananas*Tuesday Bananas is a weekly satire article meant for entertainment and laughs.


Mitt Monkeys Top Arkansas Invasive Species List

The Arkansas Game and Fish Commission has issued an Invasive Species Alert for Mitt Monkeys, replacing the Northern Snakehead as one of the top threats to state waters.  Unsurprisingly, the alert coincides with the annual winter migration of Mitt Monkeys to the warm and friendly White and North Fork Rivers.  Employing a multi-media approach, the Commission has strategically placed billboards on I44 and other common northern routes of travel displaying the the familiar circle-backslash symbol over a monkey and the phrase “When it comes to invasive species, Zebra Mussels aren’t alone, Mitt Monkeys go the F back home!”

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The Commission’s Invasive Species page provides the following detail:

Origin – Native mostly to Michigan they have been found to originate from nearby states including Indiana, Illinois, and Ohio. Irritating numbers started appearing in the late 1980’s. This detestable species is known to inhabit AR watersheds during winter and early spring. Appearances range from hipster to dumpster diver but most are characterized by mismanaged facial hair, a propensity to go shirtless in temps above 40 degrees, are often seen consuming BBQ like a swarm of locusts, and generally act like they own the place.

Damage – Voracious consumers of craft beer and beef jerky, the species is known to choke out native fishermen by blanketing local streams. Millions of dollars are spent annually to discourage their travel to AR. They attach themselves to local bars, restaurants, women, and hotels, sometimes for weeks at a time.  If they spread they could disrupt the natural order of fisheries in the US.

Prevention – If you encounter one, don’t try to kill it. If engaged in a conversation, residents are strongly discouraged from suggesting fly patterns or alternate fishing techniques as they can be met with intense opposition. Deterrents include commenting on slow fishing, salad bars, math, and expensive shuttle rates.  It is rumored that they can carry disease so handling is discouraged.

“It’s time we stop with the southern hospitality and put our boot where the sun don’t shine” commented resident and outspoken monkey opponent Hank Himler.  “Last year they burned our dam”, referring to the Bull Shoals disaster, “and this year it’s time to send them packing”.  (Click to read about the assualt on the Bull Shoals dam)

Northern snakehead, feral hogs, silver carp, and now Mitt Monkeys. Time will tell as to whether AR survives this year’s infestation and if anything can be done to slow the annual Mitt Monkey invasion.


Mitt Monkeys Top Arkansas Invasive Species List

The Arkansas Game and Fish Commission has issued an Invasive Species Alert for Mitt Monkeys, replacing the Northern Snakehead as one of the top threats to state waters.  Unsurprisingly, the alert coincides with the annual winter migration of Mitt Monkeys to the warm and friendly White and North Fork Rivers.  Employing a multi-media approach, the Commission has strategically placed billboards on I44 and other common northern routes of travel displaying the the familiar circle-backslash symbol over a monkey and the phrase “When it comes to invasive species, Zebra Mussels aren’t alone, Mitt Monkeys go the F back home!”

Untitled
The Commission’s Invasive Species page provides the following detail:

Origin – Native mostly to Michigan they have been found to originate from nearby states including Indiana, Illinois, and Ohio. Irritating numbers started appearing in the late 1980’s. This detestable species is known to inhabit AR watersheds during winter and early spring. Appearances range from hipster to dumpster diver but most are characterized by mismanaged facial hair, a propensity to go shirtless in temps above 40 degrees, are often seen consuming BBQ like a swarm of locusts, and generally act like they own the place.

Damage – Voracious consumers of craft beer and beef jerky, the species is known to choke out native fishermen by blanketing local streams. Millions of dollars are spent annually to discourage their travel to AR. They attach themselves to local bars, restaurants, women, and hotels, sometimes for weeks at a time.  If they spread they could disrupt the natural order of fisheries in the US.

Prevention – If you encounter one, don’t try to kill it. If engaged in a conversation, residents are strongly discouraged from suggesting fly patterns or alternate fishing techniques as they can be met with intense opposition. Deterrents include commenting on slow fishing, salad bars, math, and expensive shuttle rates.  It is rumored that they can carry disease so handling is discouraged.

“It’s time we stop with the southern hospitality and put our boot where the sun don’t shine” commented resident and outspoken monkey opponent Hank Himler.  “Last year they burned our dam”, referring to the Bull Shoals disaster, “and this year it’s time to send them packing”.  (Click to read about the assualt on the Bull Shoals dam)

Northern snakehead, feral hogs, silver carp, and now Mitt Monkeys. Time will tell as to whether AR survives this year’s infestation and if anything can be done to slow the annual Mitt Monkey invasion.


Hexito Epidemic Threatens Great Lakes States

hexuito

The University of Michigan Department of Entomology confirmed this week one of the most bizarre cross-species developments in the insect world. “Hexito” is the a name entomologists are currently using for the mosquito and hexagenia hybrid recently identified near the rivers of Western Michigan. “This is the biggest piece of news since Blake O’Neill bungled that snap” commented a U of M spokesperson.

Increasing reports of anglers reporting encounters with wasps and other stinging insects while fishing the late night hex hatch peaked the interest of local fisherman and entomologist Aaron “Cal” Naughton. “I wasn’t taken seriously at first” Naughton stated, “because everyone thought I was trying to start wild rumors to keep out-of-state anglers from taking my favorite water”. “I’m not going to kid you” Naughton goes on to say, “I almost pulled my heater on the guy from Tennessee I found standing in my favorite water last July”. The hex hatch has become a true “shit show” as indicated by hundreds out-of-state license plates spotted at any given riverside parking lot in June and July and now has become even more life threatening.

According to Naughton, receding high water events leave mosquito and hexagenia larvae sharing the same brackish, silty ecosystems. It’s theorized that male mosquitos often confuse the large hexagenia females with their own species and attempt, with some apparent success, to mate.

Naughton successfully captured several Hexitoes and his is research revealed them to have all the characteristics of adult hexagenia with one startling difference, each had a sturdy proboscis capable of puncturing a soda can. “It’s pretty terrifying” commented Naughton.

Naughton’s research has revealed some startling facts about the hybrid creature including an extended life cycle as a mating adult of up to 40 days, typical of the mosquito and unlike the hexagenia which survives for only a few days as an adult. Limited research also indicates the hybrid’s distaste for blood containing alcohol, seemingly good news to hex anglers. Another deterrent, according to Naughton, is the scent of most brands of liberally applied cheap women’s perfume.

What was thought to be a rumor started by locals looking to fish their own water without out-of-state anglers to deal with has now become a huge discovery. MDNR is expected to issue public service announcements this summer warning fishermen of the dangers related to swarming Hexitoes.  Anglers planning to venture out this summer are encouraged to bath in perfume and bump up the BAC before heading out.

Tuesday Bananas


Deadliest Catch Kalamazoo

DC

The Discovery channel announced today that filming for season 13 of the hit TV series Deadliest Catch will take place on Michigan’s Kalamazoo River. “We’re stoked to get in that water and go toe-to-toe with the crazy stuff swimming and crawling around in that cesspool” stated Andy Hillstrand, co-owner and captain of the Time Bandit. Crab wrangling captains and their crews will be dredging some of the deadliest creatures known to slither and scuttle beneath the surface of Michigan’s deadliest river.

Creatures in the K-zoo are evolving at an unprecedented rate thanks to toxic sediments, oil pollution, and thousands of industrial waste discharge pipes pumping up the flows and the biodiversity of the watershed. Despite the expectation of casualties during filming, the Discovery channel could not pass up the opportunity to raise the bar on the fleet and improve ratings that have flat-lined in recent years.

“It was a tough secret to keep with those giant boats being launched last week” stated the shows production manager Jimmy Slaussen. Harpoon stations, grenade launchers, and mounted machine guns were but a few of the many alterations made to the fleet to put down whatever might get hauled aboard and fend off locals rumored to be downright terrifying.

Northwestern captain Sig Hansen opposes the decision and has declined to join the fleet during the K-zoo venture. “It’s asinine! I’ll take my chances on the Bering sea in January” commented Hansen.  Captain keith Colburn of the venerable Wizard is rumored to have swapped out his crab pots for bear traps.

Narrator Mike Rowe is no stranger to the area having filmed 34 episodes of Dirty Jobs during the many oil spill cleanups that have taken place on the K-zoo. The channel is rumored to be filming a number of spin-off shows in Michigan including Allegan Bush People, Moonshiners of Hesperia, Naked and Afraid in Baldwin, and Fast N Loud – Muskegon River Jet Sleds.

Tuesday Bananas


Area Guide Injured Falling Off Soapbox

The signs of spring in northern Michigan are finally here. Robins and Starlings have returned and eventually the sound of Spring Peepers will begin to fill the meadows and ponds. Other signs, and with similar regularity, are those like Brady Huff who take it upon themselves to lecture all that enter the hallowed waters of our state in pursuit of fish on the fly. When moved to preach, Brady can be seen scaling his giant soapbox to deliver his views on fly fishing to the humble and ignorant members of the fly fishing community. Towering over the obtuse, the witless, and the misinformed masses, Brady delivers his sermon from high above. His aged and weathered soapbox, adorned with fly gear stickers of all shapes and sizes, appears to waver high in the air as his sermons rage on. Seemingly incapable of supporting his large and intimidating form, his soapbox has withstood years of foot stomping, pounding, and infantile abuse – until today.

soapbox-300x157

During an impassioned speech on the tyranny of beads and chuck and duck tactics, the soapbox gave way sending him to the ground atop his beloved podium in a flop that would have made Chris Farley proud. When the dust settled and everyone was accounted for, Brady was slow to rise but eventually got to his feet to deliver some insufferably self-righteous words before collapsing once again. Some say his soapbox finally gave way under the weight of hypocracy that had burdened his station for some time while others believe it was simply a matter of mass and gravity.

Since the fall, Brady has experienced symptoms of paranoia, a distorted sense of time, and random thinking believed to be from a mild concussion or years of heavy marijuana use. Given the recent tragedy, and irreparable damage to Brady’s soapbox, it is rumored that he will be gallivanting about on a high horse next spring.

Tuesday Bananas


Fly of the Year Awarded to the Turk-u-lated Egg

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Wellston, MI – It was a very tight race for the Michigan Fly of the Year announced this week in Wellston and the winner, the Turk-u-lated Egg, was no stranger to many in attendance. Just in time for the spring steelhead run, this fly goes deep, penetrates deep, and brings home the meat. The Turk-u-lated Egg, a slight variation on the infamous Turks Tickler, is a staple fly for those ready to rake some gravel.

turk-u-lated-egg

“The crowd went bananas when that curtain dropped” noted Mark Nader, attending his 18th consecutive ceremony. Nader, a local guide (spring and fall-only) is a big fan of the heavily weighted egg and provided the crowd a tutorial on how to deliver the heavy fly by tucking his head low and simulating the requisite lob cast. Scars on Nader’s neck and shoulder offer a cautionary tale for those who lose focus.

Pesky state regulations have kept the Turk-u-lated Egg from being sold legally but this hasn’t stopped those who rely on it to fill their stringer. The Turk-u-lated Egg is brilliantly simple to tie with countless patterns available online. A couple pounds of lead, 1/0 treble hooks, and a touch of yarn is all that’s needed to craft this magical bug. When asked how a fly that clearly resides outside the lines of legality could win the contest, Nader commented “aww, them’s just guidelines – and everyone knows the government is run by lizard space aliens so I don’t pay no attention to their rules”.

The Turk-u-lated Egg has won the Michigan Fly of the Year award 15 out of the last 23 years with an eight year hiatus during which the Michigan Cricket reigned supreme. With the spring run gearing up here in Michigan those braving gravel should expect to hear the familiar sounds of Turk-u-lated eggs crashing through the woods and water of our great state.

Tuesday Bananas


Area Man’s Pants Catch Fire at Flyfishing Expo

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The shocking highlight of this year’s Flyfishing Expo was when Dale Bronson’s pants suddenly burst into flames.  Bronson, a regular attendee at the expo, was delivering a spirited narrative of a recent steelhead excursion when suddenly his pants caught fire.  Those close to Bronson at the time say he was midway through recounting another of his amazing solo fishing adventures when it happened.  The tale reportedly involved him battling an “epic buck that crushed” one of his secret flies.  The quick thinking of bystanders who doused Bronson with cups of LaBatts left him unscathed yet bewildered.

Amazingly, many weren’t surprised including Jim White who commented “The guy has been talking smack for so many years it’s no wonder this happened”.  “I think it all just caught up to him” said Mark Connely, Bronson’s longtime fishing pal until an argument over the best micro brew selection while fishing dries caused a permanent rift in their friendship.

“I may stop following his advice” said Dave Gorsky.  “He seemed so believable and even promised to teach me how to shadowcast this summer”.  Bronson has not made himself available for comment.

Tuesday Bananas


Car Shuttles Dirty Little Secrets Exposed

In a startling new report that blows the cover on over 50 car shuttle / spotting services nationwide, something we’ve all suspected is confirmed – most vehicles shuttled are in some way violated.  Common offenses, and ones that would be considered somewhat expected, include texting while driving (89%), smoking (28%), smoking marijuana (63%), siphoning gas (43%), nose picking/booger flicking (73%), stalking x-girlfriends (22%), fishing through the loose change receptacle for quarters (98%), stopping at liquor stores (21%), and cruising high schools (42%).

Several more incideous behaviors were captured on video including two rival shuttle companies found drag racing customer vehicles, with trailers, on a stretch of road between boat launches.  One trailer jockey took his whole family to the Buford Waterpark for the day in the customer’s Escalade after finding out that the customer was going to try to fish two stretches of river, ensuring he’d be on the water for over 10 hours.

Footage captured of Shuttle Driver being pulled over for doing 85mph in a 35mph school zone.  The driver can be heard giving the police officer a fake name, speeding off after tearing up the ticket issued and telling the police officer to "go taze yourself in the balls bro"

Footage captured of Shuttle Driver being pulled over for driving 85mph in a 35mph school zone. The driver can be heard giving the police officer a fake name, speeding off after tearing up the ticket issued and muttering obscenities to the officer during questioning.

All of this is the work of Jerry Karlin, your ‘average Joe’ trout fisherman fed up with never having any change in his car after his shuttles. “Trailer Jockeys need to elevate their game if people are going to trust these guys anymore” noted Karlin.  Back in 2013, Karlin set out to get an inside look into just what goes on during that 30 minute shuttle from Flaming Gorge Dam to Little Hole on the Green River.  Over the course of a two year period what he found ranged from the expected to the astounding.  Karlin decided to take action and during the summer of 2014 Karlin convinced 250 people countrywide to install hidden cameras in their vehicles in search of the truth and possibly some justice.

Minor damage done by shuttle service in Michigan - client found vehicle in the parking lot this way.  Review of video footage showed that the shuttle driver engaged into a "Car Spotter Obstacle Course" in Plumbs Grocery store parking lot.

Minor damage done by shuttle service in Michigan – client found vehicle in the parking lot this way. Review of video footage revealed that the shuttle driver drove down an abandoned railroad track for three miles at 65 mph

Further inquiry of 10 regional car spotting services revealed that only 47% of shuttle drivers had valid drivers licenses.  Karlin and many others who are just plain sick of these shenanigans are advocating a trailer jockey certification program. Drug testing, background checks, eye examinations, proof of citizenship, and psych tests are but a few of the criteria.  Industry objection to regulation is fierce.  Veteran trailer jockey Skeeter McGavin summed it up in saying “Jockeys is gonna scatter like carney workers on payday”.

Even if Karlin doesn’t get his legislation, the work of the video footage that was captured lead to the arrests of 39 shuttle drivers abusing the job as a means of funding everything from drug trade to illegally transporting bottles and cans across state lines for undeserved recycling refunds.  If you suspect your local shuttle service of foul play just mention that you’ll be fishing with Jerry Karlin on your next trip and rest easy that you’ll be taken care of.

Tuesday Bananas


2016 Release Planned for “How to Catch Fish off Gravel”

If there’s one thing Daryl Starks knows well, it’s raking fish off gravel. Whether salmon in the fall or steelhead in the spring, his tactics have become the envy of every lead-slinger in the great state of Michigan and beyond. Starks has recently announced the publication of his 31 page autobiography titled “How to Catch Fish off Gravel”, a compilation of strategies, motto’s and insights compiled over the last 20 years of bending the law. A few of the more legible chapters are dedicated to rigging, tactics, flies, lifting and positioning.

How to catch fish

Rigging – “Go big or go home”

Starks recommends using heavy duty gear and prefers a converted catfish rod with a bright yellow blank and guides seemingly well suited for offshore adventures. Starks theorizes that yellow rods strike fear in the hearts and minds of fish. When it comes to reels, most anything will work as long as it can hold a minimum of 500 yards of 50lb mono or 30lb braided line. For terminal tackle, the recommended setup involves a three way swivel connecting the line to a bell sinker or spark plug for weight and 30lb mono to a tandem fly rig tied between 6 and 8 feet from the swivel.

Tactics – “If I spot em’ I got em’”

When it comes to spotting fish on gravel, Starks is a Jedi Master. Starks takes the reader through the whole spectrum from spotting tail fins sticking out of water to reading wakes made by milling fish and even using a high powered flashlight at night and early morning to set up on fish. Starks shares some pro tips on securing and maintaining key spawning gravel. These include running between known gravel, key phrases and tricks to use on evicting anyone fishing “his” water, and using dogs and kids to corral fish.

Flies – Tickler/Cricket

When it comes to flies, Starks is not a picky man although you won’t see him using anything lighter than a “Turks Tickler” consisting 2/0 treble hook. Starks encourages readers to dress the hook up as much or as little as you want, typically using tufts of glo bug yarn or pipe cleaner. In recent years he has been known to tie most of his flies on 10/0 weighted alligator snatch hooks, with lead welded directly to the hook a configuration he affectionately calls the “Michigan Cricket”.

Lifting – Finer points of Feeling “Strikes”

In this chapter, Mr. Starks goes into detail about how it is imparative to maintain a tight line so that you are able to at all times sense “strikes” from fish that are on the gravel.  He employs a technique that he refers to as “lifting” that allows him to feel the fish and gives him an advantage on early detection of “strikes”.

Positioning – “Death from below”

When wading the river the angler should try to positing themselves below and cast well beyond and above the target so as not to spook the fish from the giant splash that the large hooks, lead, swivels, and line makes when hitting the surface. Starks debunks the theory of using stealth since the fish he targets are often either too tired to care or keyed-in heavily on spawning.

Presentation – “Finish with a rip”

Stark’s signature move, and everyone needs a move according to Starks, is his rip finish. After guiding the rig through a pod of fish Starks employs a swift rip of the rod as a final measure. Starks signature rip is often said to make the difference between hooking a mere 15 fish per day and hooking 50.

If one were to point out some shortcomings of the book it would be poor illustrations and his creative use of the English language. We had the rare opportunity to sit down with the legend during the recent fall salmon season outside his vintage RV located in the Tippy Dam parking lot on the Big Manistee river. Starks had finished a morning session of roping salmon and had just popped the top on a fresh Meister Brau when our visit came to an abrupt end. Starks spotted a conservation officer checking fish limits, blurted out “interview’s over”, jumped into his RV and sped out of the lot in a haze of black exhaust.

Tuesday Bananas


Lost Michigan Salmon Run Found            

The mystery of the 2014 Salmon run has finally been solved. Over the past 5 months, biologists have worked tirelessly to understand the cause of low 2014 salmon numbers in the Great Lakes and its tributaries.  A number of theories have shown merit including poor alewife and batfish populations, stocking cutbacks, pollution, and others.

This past week, Umberto Gilliermo landed an unusual fish on the sandy beaches of Panama City, Panama which turned out to be none other than a Pacific Salmon.  Unquestionably from the Great Lakes due to a large egg sucking leech fly buried in its “ass”, the fish is the key to unwrapping the mystery of the 2014 run.  Biologists now theorize that salmon began to enter their natal streams and tributaries this past fall but once they were assaulted by “fly fishermen” they abruptly returned to the lakes and hatched a Shawshank-worthy escape plan.

Pacific Salmon Escape Route

Their journey of over 6,000 miles involved acclimating to salt water, sharks, sea lions, commercial fishermen, New Yorkers, and navigating a series of canals including the Panama Canal, one of the greatest engineering feats of the 20th century.  Initially the St. Lawrence Sea Way was thought to be their choice of onramps to the Atlantic; however, elevated levels of pharma-toxins native to the Hudson River (rohypnol, rogaine, lithium, and Xanax) were found in Gillermo’s fish.  Apparently the fetid water of the Erie Canal and Hudson River provided the perfect cover for hundreds of thousands of Chinook to make their miraculous escape from inevitable death by snagging / fly fishing techniques employed in the Great Lakes.

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Are Pacific Salmon capable of navigating the Panama Canal?

It seems that the Great Lakes Pacific Salmon were following their instinctual senses that have been engrained in them from many thousands of years of reproduction in the Pacific Northwest, and are intent on returning to their ‘home’ waters.  While most biologist would theorize that through many years of evolution and reproduction of Pacific Salmon in the Great Lakes region, that innate imprinting of their original natal streams where their ancestors originated from nearly a century ago, would all have been all but gone.  However, it appears that nature is prevailing and the fish seem to have the ability to navigate their way back to the Pacific ocean watersheds.

DNR spokesperson Harold Babar stated “We see this as a very clear message that Pacific Salmon are intellegent and tired of getting snagged in the ass for sport”.  Babar went on to outline a 12 step program involving gill netting all escaped Pacific Salmon and returning survivors to their midwestern home waters.

Tues bananas


Peak Beard Approaches

Experts all agree that 2015 will be the apogee of facial hair on Michigan waters. The anticipated decline in beard fanaticism is, in part, due to anglers being unable to identify each other. “Everybody out here looks like we stepped out of a Simms catalogue and when you disguise us with beards it really gets confusing” stated Jim Swarthout, a resident of Baldwin and fellow beard brah. Swarthout related how he waited for two hours at Green Cottage on the PM last fall for his friend Dale to show only to find out he was standing 10 feet away from his newly bearded bud.

In an extreme example, Gale Flemming, a card carrying NRA member, stealthed into her living room last July around 4 am, drew her .38, and cracked off three warning shots at what she thought was a homeless man making a sandwich. It turned out it was just her bearded husband returning from a hex outing.

Will this bran shave his magnificent beard?

Will this brah shave his magnificent beard?

Job loss among beard brah’s was unsurprisingly high from 2012-2014 as employers grew increasingly tired of looking at the ironically huge beards adorned by many of their employees. This resulted in an interesting phase of freedom as beard brah’s collecting unemployment took to the rivers. With benefits winding to an end there is speculation that many will shed their beards and get back to the grind.

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It may be too soon to tell whether the beard bubble is about to burst. Will experts will be proven right or will the beard phenomena get a second wind? Only time will tell.

Tues bananas


Battle of the Invasive Species

Buckle up for the freshwater throwdown of the Century.  With recent news of yet even more Asian carp DNA found in water sampled from rivers connected to Lake Michigan, MDNR has decided to take action.

They look harmless - but are not.

They look harmless – but are not.

 

The agency is said have over a million adult snakeheads in rearing lagoons at several undisclosed locations as a last ditch effort in the war against Asian carp.  What is being referenced as operation “Sumo Takedown” involves the aerial deployment of up to ten thousand snakeheads at a time from helicopters.  Snakeheads, which are known to breathe out of water up to seven days and cross land between waterbodies, are apparently quite fond of eating Asian Carp.

SnakeheadMDNR spokesperson Alan Stanwick gave a statement this week in which he noted “an adult snakehead can eat Asian carp faster than Kobayashi knocking down hot dogs at Coney Island”.  Stanwick went on to describe that MDNR believes the snakeheads will essentially eat themselves to death, or at least that’s what they hope.

“The sight of these things falling from the sky will be terrifying but kinda awesome” said Manistee resident Dale Gross.  Residents appear split about the tactic with some backing the plan while others are looking to relocate further inland.

When pressed as to what the plan will be in the event snakeheads overpopulate the Great Lakes, Stanwick stated that the agency is presently rearing tiger fish to deal with the snakeheads, nile crocodiles to handle the tiger fish, giant catfish to eat the crocodiles, and lastly freshwater sharks with lasers to kill everything.

Tues bananas

 


New App Released for Swing Fishers

Hero Helper

Are you tired of having to describe all those swing plucks, grabs, and pulls without the satisfaction of a Hero photo?  Are you tired of Dirty Ass Nymphers getting all the glory while you are left with only your “good solid pull but he got off” stories?  What if you could get a picture of the one that got away?  The creators of Fish Brah bring you Hero Helper.  Hero Helper lets you memorialize that fish you just farmed in stunning brilliance.  This powerful app lets you cut and paste the fish image of your choice on your best hero pose after the fish is dropped.  It’s that simple.

Check out the killer day this Brah had.

Seelhead

Trophy Steelhead

Tarpon

Elusive Michigan Tarpon

Smallie

Late Season Smallie

Protect your Brah status and give yourself the credit you deserve with the Hero Helper.  App is “live” and available in both the Apple Store and Google Playstore.  iOS and Andriod both feature the same options.

Tues bananas