The mystery of the 2014 Salmon run has finally been solved. Over the past 5 months, biologists have worked tirelessly to understand the cause of low 2014 salmon numbers in the Great Lakes and its tributaries. A number of theories have shown merit including poor alewife and batfish populations, stocking cutbacks, pollution, and others.
This past week, Umberto Gilliermo landed an unusual fish on the sandy beaches of Panama City, Panama which turned out to be none other than a Pacific Salmon. Unquestionably from the Great Lakes due to a large egg sucking leech fly buried in its “ass”, the fish is the key to unwrapping the mystery of the 2014 run. Biologists now theorize that salmon began to enter their natal streams and tributaries this past fall but once they were assaulted by “fly fishermen” they abruptly returned to the lakes and hatched a Shawshank-worthy escape plan.
Their journey of over 6,000 miles involved acclimating to salt water, sharks, sea lions, commercial fishermen, New Yorkers, and navigating a series of canals including the Panama Canal, one of the greatest engineering feats of the 20th century. Initially the St. Lawrence Sea Way was thought to be their choice of onramps to the Atlantic; however, elevated levels of pharma-toxins native to the Hudson River (rohypnol, rogaine, lithium, and Xanax) were found in Gillermo’s fish. Apparently the fetid water of the Erie Canal and Hudson River provided the perfect cover for hundreds of thousands of Chinook to make their miraculous escape from inevitable death by snagging / fly fishing techniques employed in the Great Lakes.
It seems that the Great Lakes Pacific Salmon were following their instinctual senses that have been engrained in them from many thousands of years of reproduction in the Pacific Northwest, and are intent on returning to their ‘home’ waters. While most biologist would theorize that through many years of evolution and reproduction of Pacific Salmon in the Great Lakes region, that innate imprinting of their original natal streams where their ancestors originated from nearly a century ago, would all have been all but gone. However, it appears that nature is prevailing and the fish seem to have the ability to navigate their way back to the Pacific ocean watersheds.
DNR spokesperson Harold Babar stated “We see this as a very clear message that Pacific Salmon are intellegent and tired of getting snagged in the ass for sport”. Babar went on to outline a 12 step program involving gill netting all escaped Pacific Salmon and returning survivors to their midwestern home waters.
Experts all agree that 2015 will be the apogee of facial hair on Michigan waters. The anticipated decline in beard fanaticism is, in part, due to anglers being unable to identify each other. “Everybody out here looks like we stepped out of a Simms catalogue and when you disguise us with beards it really gets confusing” stated Jim Swarthout, a resident of Baldwin and fellow beard brah. Swarthout related how he waited for two hours at Green Cottage on the PM last fall for his friend Dale to show only to find out he was standing 10 feet away from his newly bearded bud.
In an extreme example, Gale Flemming, a card carrying NRA member, stealthed into her living room last July around 4 am, drew her .38, and cracked off three warning shots at what she thought was a homeless man making a sandwich. It turned out it was just her bearded husband returning from a hex outing.
Job loss among beard brah’s was unsurprisingly high from 2012-2014 as employers grew increasingly tired of looking at the ironically huge beards adorned by many of their employees. This resulted in an interesting phase of freedom as beard brah’s collecting unemployment took to the rivers. With benefits winding to an end there is speculation that many will shed their beards and get back to the grind.
It may be too soon to tell whether the beard bubble is about to burst. Will experts will be proven right or will the beard phenomena get a second wind? Only time will tell.
Buckle up for the freshwater throwdown of the Century. With recent news of yet even more Asian carp DNA found in water sampled from rivers connected to Lake Michigan, MDNR has decided to take action.
The agency is said have over a million adult snakeheads in rearing lagoons at several undisclosed locations as a last ditch effort in the war against Asian carp. What is being referenced as operation “Sumo Takedown” involves the aerial deployment of up to ten thousand snakeheads at a time from helicopters. Snakeheads, which are known to breathe out of water up to seven days and cross land between waterbodies, are apparently quite fond of eating Asian Carp.
MDNR spokesperson Alan Stanwick gave a statement this week in which he noted “an adult snakehead can eat Asian carp faster than Kobayashi knocking down hot dogs at Coney Island”. Stanwick went on to describe that MDNR believes the snakeheads will essentially eat themselves to death, or at least that’s what they hope.
“The sight of these things falling from the sky will be terrifying but kinda awesome” said Manistee resident Dale Gross. Residents appear split about the tactic with some backing the plan while others are looking to relocate further inland.
When pressed as to what the plan will be in the event snakeheads overpopulate the Great Lakes, Stanwick stated that the agency is presently rearing tiger fish to deal with the snakeheads, nile crocodiles to handle the tiger fish, giant catfish to eat the crocodiles, and lastly freshwater sharks with lasers to kill everything.
Are you tired of having to describe all those swing plucks, grabs, and pulls without the satisfaction of a Hero photo? Are you tired of Dirty Ass Nymphers getting all the glory while you are left with only your “good solid pull but he got off” stories? What if you could get a picture of the one that got away? The creators of Fish Brah bring you Hero Helper. Hero Helper lets you memorialize that fish you just farmed in stunning brilliance. This powerful app lets you cut and paste the fish image of your choice on your best hero pose after the fish is dropped. It’s that simple.
Check out the killer day this Brah had.
Elusive Michigan Tarpon
Late Season Smallie
Protect your Brah status and give yourself the credit you deserve with the Hero Helper. App is “live” and available in both the Apple Store and Google Playstore. iOS and Andriod both feature the same options.
S&P announced today that they will be downgrading the sport of flyfishing from “hobby” to “Interest”. Apparently the agency placed the sport on a watch list last winter following the annual film festival which reported low attendance and included several residential basement venues. Other factors contributing to the sport’s downgrade included a credible report that only four operating fly shops in the United States posted a profit last year without having to rely on under the counter meth sales.
If the sport can’t turn itself around then S&P may be forced to downgrade it once more to the dreaded “fad” rating. This would most certainly be the proverbial nail in the coffin. When asked for their comment, the Federation of Locally United Fly Fishing Enterprise Retailers (FLUFFER), issued this statement “Flyfishing will again rise! We are certain that all the popular celebrities like Dan Rather, Jimmy Carter, and Harrison Ford will connect the youth of today with the joy of our beloved Interest”.
Anglers Anonymous (AA) meetings are set to resume this fall in Baldwin, MI. AA is a forum for fishermen to support one-another in a non-judgmental and accepting environment. Although meetings are open to all, attendees are primarily fly fishermen saddled with the guilt and shame of employing unsavory methods. “Hardware and bait guys attend sometimes but I think they just get a kick out of all the fly guys who can’t stop themselves from behaving badly” commented Aaron Pierce, the meeting’s organizer.
If you have fished bait and claimed to use flies, enjoy a good “if I spot em I got em” salmon session, like to show off flies you claim to have tyed but didn’t, fished any bug dangling from a tree on the White River, find yourself commenting on all social media fly fishing topics in an effort to get respect, or claim to have caught 2 or more lake run browns swinging the Rogue River in one afternoon, you should consider attending.
Anglers Anonymous abruptly cancelled all meetings in September of 2013 after the fallout from a seemingly harmless typo in the Baldwin Gazette. The newspaper announced the weekly AA meeting times but failed to clarify whether it was Anglers or Alcoholics Anonymous. After realizing the mix-up, the two groups apparently decided to enjoy a late night fishing trip which resulted in two drownings, 18 DUIs, 6 divorces, and hundreds of dead salmon. “It was a drunken massacre” claimed Police Chief Dale Fagen who claims to fly fish but was recently spotted with a yellow rod in his pickup. Hopes are high that Anglers Anonymous will get back on track and help all those silently suffering with bad angling behavior.
It’s a well-kept secret that each year dozens of Michigan fly fishing guides make their way to Detroit, MI to seek advice from the Oracle. This particular pilgrimage has gone on for nearly 50 years since the first Oracle, a DJ going by the name Dr. Funk (real name Alan Stanwick), heard the calling. There have been three Oracles since the good Doctor passed away in 1978 from a bizarre lava lamp accident. A common element shared among the Oracles is no previous knowledge or interest in fly-fishing. Marty Horrowitz, the second Oracle, was a third-grader when he suddenly felt the power to advise fishermen on the eve of his predecessor’s demise. Marty’s power was fleeting however, and left him after only 5 years. It became apparent that Marty had lost the gift when he began extolling the virtues of using baseball-sized bobbers to dead drift Mickey Finns. The third known Oracle to date, Gabe Hallenbeck, was a shoe salesman who manned the post for nearly 25 years. Gabe’s advice set the tone for modern day techniques and tactics and he is said to be the father of many of the flies presently getting the job done on MI waters.
The present day Oracle, Myron Goldstein, owns a chain of Little Caesars pizza restaurants in Grosse Point, MI. Myron’s ability to dispense advice is roughly timed with Michigan’s Hendrickson hatch beginning in late April / early May. Myron’s advice can be hit or miss as the Hennie hatch winds down but those who are able to secure the counsel of the Oracle are often given great insight into the coming year. Many are turned away, often told that their hearts are not pure or their tactics unworthy. It is said that the Oracle is able to share migration insight, fly pattern intricacies, and offer cautionary advice to those who he chooses to accept into his presence.
It is said that those seeking the counsel of the Oracle must present a simple gift and that the current Oracle has an affinity for wine wood tip cigars. The method by which each Oracle divines the secrets of the fishing universe are unique. Those able to gain acceptance are often unwilling to offer further detail but it is believed that Myron can tell the future from pizza toppings. Recently returning guides have been tight lipped with regard to the wisdom shared in Grosse Point. If you have a guide trip planned this year and you decide to broach the subject of the Oracle, be prepared for denial and disinterest in the subject. However, if you are told to try a new pattern or find yourself fishing water previously passed over you may be following advice dispensed by the Oracle himself.
When Janet Barsky’s husband Bill took up fly fishing she figured it would soon be added to his long list of short lived interests. Over the past few years Bill has loved and left a pile of hobbies such as home brewing, golfing, wingsuit flying, ukulele, astrology, ham radio operator, classic car renovation, leatherworking, and bowling. Last year Bill’s neighbor Dale took him to the Pere Marquette River on a Salmon outing and he’s been hooked ever since. Home projects have ground to a halt and Saturdays spent perusing Bed Bath & Beyond have been few and far between.
Janet realized she needed to take matters into her own hands when she overheard Bill talking to Dale about spending a week in Montana on some river called the Beavertail or something. Not normally a devious woman, Janet was conflicted about shutting down her hubby’s new hobby so she embarked on several subtle attempts to steer Bill away from the river from pointing out news articles on the dangers of Michigan rivers to hinting that neighbor Dale was once in a mental institution, but Bill kept at it and even joined a local TU chapter.
Janet began to think that all hope was lost until she remembered his allergy to cat dander. Janet’s first attempt was a home run. Having the neighbor’s cat Biff scratch up against the cork handle of Bill’s 5-wt each evening before an outing was all she had to do. Symptoms would begin about an hour after he started fishing and would get progressively worse until his eyes were swollen and eventually his sneezing fits would put an end to every outing. Dale stopped asking Bill to tag along and Bill finally threw in the towel after a few disastrous solo outings. According to Janet, Bill has taken up ice sculpting in the back yard and is terrified of going near a river. Janet mentioned feeling a bit guilty when Biff stops by the house from time to time but she’s convinced that having a confused neighborhood cat is a small price to pay.
In a prime example of “if you can’t beat em, join em”, the fly fishing industry this past October released Trout Hunter, an industry produced video game designed to entice gamers into streamside pursuits. “It’s no secret that the fly fishing industry has flat-lined” noted Darryl Clemens, Director of the Federation of Locally United Fly Fishing Enterprise Retailers (FLUFFER). “More money is currently spent on Cheese Whiz than the entire fly fishing industry” stated Clemens. FLUFFER’s goal is to firm up the interest of those considering fly fishing as a viable hobby with Trout Hunter being their first endeavor.
In an ironic turn of events, FLUFFER’s high expectations were soon dashed when it was discovered that the primary consumer of the game was none other than current fly fishermen. In fact, the industry has experienced a substantial decline in revenues following Trout Hunter’s release. “Why go to the river when I can land trophy trout in high def right in my living room” stated Dillon Vanderwall who’s sentiments are not unique among “troutbums” who have put down their 5-weights in favor of a game console and a bag of chips.
Recent focus group studies conclude that Trout Hunter will usher in a new era of home-based fly fishing expected to eliminate the sport in it’s traditional sense by 2025. Ironically, FLUFFERs mission has left their constituents deflated.
Lansing, MI – In a very surprising turn of events Michigan Lawmakers passed a controversial measure on Friday (4/4/14) to make it illegal to be in possession of alcohol on any designated trout stream within the state’s borders. The bill passed by a narrow margin of 5-3.
There are 2 votes missing from the ballot as representatives from the Upper Peninsula and Region 5 (Northwestern Lower Peninsula) were rumored to be spotted together at a Newaygo, MI bar the night before and did not make it to the capitol building in time to submit their votes.
Bananas hit the street to talk with a few customers at the local fly shop to get their thoughts.