Experts all agree that 2015 will be the apogee of facial hair on Michigan waters. The anticipated decline in beard fanaticism is, in part, due to anglers being unable to identify each other. “Everybody out here looks like we stepped out of a Simms catalogue and when you disguise us with beards it really gets confusing” stated Jim Swarthout, a resident of Baldwin and fellow beard brah. Swarthout related how he waited for two hours at Green Cottage on the PM last fall for his friend Dale to show only to find out he was standing 10 feet away from his newly bearded bud.
In an extreme example, Gale Flemming, a card carrying NRA member, stealthed into her living room last July around 4 am, drew her .38, and cracked off three warning shots at what she thought was a homeless man making a sandwich. It turned out it was just her bearded husband returning from a hex outing.
Job loss among beard brah’s was unsurprisingly high from 2012-2014 as employers grew increasingly tired of looking at the ironically huge beards adorned by many of their employees. This resulted in an interesting phase of freedom as beard brah’s collecting unemployment took to the rivers. With benefits winding to an end there is speculation that many will shed their beards and get back to the grind.
It may be too soon to tell whether the beard bubble is about to burst. Will experts will be proven right or will the beard phenomena get a second wind? Only time will tell.
Peoria, IL – The fear of millions is now a reality as Asian Carp plan to bum rush Chicago area waterways following this years St. Patrick’s Day celebration when the Chicago River gets its annual dose of green dye. Edgar Fischer, Peoria Illinois premier exotic species taxidermists, was just going about his daily routine last week when he discovered a chilling message. While completing an Asian Carp mount for his brother Gary who runs an archery adventure outfitter on the Illinois River, he discovered a strange scale pattern. On a whim he used his childhood Captain Midnight decoder ring to decipher “Green Water GO”.
Chicago Streets and Sanitation Commissioner stated Monday “It’s going to be a massacre when they hit that barrier”. The City is left with little time to plan a defensive strategy for the impending assault. The Mayors office commented that all plausible options are being considered at this time including underwater explosives, carbon steel nets, and subjecting the fish to ear splitting levels Rick Astley’s “Never Gonna Give You Up” in hopes to disorient and derail the biomass. The White House vowed to hold Congressional hearings expected to convene in July of 2018.
Glen Fischer had no idea he was about to make history when he and his son Gary set out to fish the Muskegon River last December. Gary hooked into a solid fish on the inside seam of a soft eddy that fought unusually hard but eventually made it to the net. What they discovered next was astonishing. “That rainbow trout had man parts on its underside” said Glen looking a bit squeamish. “I thought my eyes was playing tricks on me but I showed Gary and he screeched GET THAT THING AWAY FROM ME!”. “We took some pictures and threw it back because it was freakin’ us out”.
DNR spokesperson Alan Spanks reviewed the photos and confirmed that the fish indeed had set of “wedding tackle” and that the phenomena is believed to result from massive quantities of pharmaceuticals making their way into the watershed. “People around here are using so much Viagra these days that now we’re seeing man parts on fish”. “It’s not just caddis anymore” Spanks went on to say. Viagra is rumored to be one of several pharmaceuticals used in large quantities in this region. Others include a variety of anti-psychotics, estrogen supplements, and hair growth stimulants. If we don’t take action then folks around here are going to have some truly strange outings on these waters.