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Posts tagged “tuesday bananas

Swingers Unite

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Fly fishermen choosing the alternate swing lifestyle have found themselves the subject of ridicule and jeers from nymphers, pluggers, centerpinners, and spin fishermen.  Although the method held mainstream appeal in recent years, it’s no longer the case as swingers are increasingly bashed for their choice of piscatorial presentation.  “It’s bad” commented Dale Farner, “I’ve been locked in the Pine Street outhouse, my truck tailpipe jammed with spawn, and the other day a Tenkara guy shoved me and called me a loser”.

Swing fishermen have recently realized kindred spirits with the original swing community.  “It’s no surprise” commented lifetime swinger Jim Barns, alongside his frisky wife Betty, “we all love to hook up”.  Citing additional similarities, Barns went on to comment “think about it, we both use intruders when conditions are right and we all like to work with jungle cock when we can get our hands on it”.  As it turns out, swing fishermen have recently taken a page from their kindred spirit brothers and sisters and have adopted the swingers pineapple as the international symbol of their preferred pastime.

“I don’t miss having that awkward conversation with new fishing partners” says Farner, “we both know what each other wants so we get right down to business”.  Nowadays, Farner is often seen browsing around local fly shops wearing his pineapple trucker lid.  “You’d be shocked to find out who swings these days, the camo wader crowd is surprisingly open”.

So if you’re finished being rejected by pals when you mention breaking out the spey rods and fat lines, take a cue from the original swing crowd and slap a pineapple decal on your bumper.  Whether swinging for steel or swinging for real, both groups agree that the tug is the drug.

* Tuesday Bananas is a once a week satire column intended for entertainment purposes only.  No fish were harmed in the creation of this post.

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Fly of the Year Awarded to the Turk-u-lated Egg

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Wellston, MI – It was a very tight race for the Michigan Fly of the Year announced this week in Wellston and the winner, the Turk-u-lated Egg, was no stranger to many in attendance. Just in time for the spring steelhead run, this fly goes deep, penetrates deep, and brings home the meat. The Turk-u-lated Egg, a slight variation on the infamous Turks Tickler, is a staple fly for those ready to rake some gravel.

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“The crowd went bananas when that curtain dropped” noted Mark Nader, attending his 18th consecutive ceremony. Nader, a local guide (spring and fall-only) is a big fan of the heavily weighted egg and provided the crowd a tutorial on how to deliver the heavy fly by tucking his head low and simulating the requisite lob cast. Scars on Nader’s neck and shoulder offer a cautionary tale for those who lose focus.

Pesky state regulations have kept the Turk-u-lated Egg from being sold legally but this hasn’t stopped those who rely on it to fill their stringer. The Turk-u-lated Egg is brilliantly simple to tie with countless patterns available online. A couple pounds of lead, 1/0 treble hooks, and a touch of yarn is all that’s needed to craft this magical bug. When asked how a fly that clearly resides outside the lines of legality could win the contest, Nader commented “aww, them’s just guidelines – and everyone knows the government is run by lizard space aliens so I don’t pay no attention to their rules”.

The Turk-u-lated Egg has won the Michigan Fly of the Year award 15 out of the last 23 years with an eight year hiatus during which the Michigan Cricket reigned supreme. With the spring run gearing up here in Michigan those braving gravel should expect to hear the familiar sounds of Turk-u-lated eggs crashing through the woods and water of our great state.

Tuesday Bananas


Car Shuttles Dirty Little Secrets Exposed

In a startling new report that blows the cover on over 50 car shuttle / spotting services nationwide, something we’ve all suspected is confirmed – most vehicles shuttled are in some way violated.  Common offenses, and ones that would be considered somewhat expected, include texting while driving (89%), smoking (28%), smoking marijuana (63%), siphoning gas (43%), nose picking/booger flicking (73%), stalking x-girlfriends (22%), fishing through the loose change receptacle for quarters (98%), stopping at liquor stores (21%), and cruising high schools (42%).

Several more incideous behaviors were captured on video including two rival shuttle companies found drag racing customer vehicles, with trailers, on a stretch of road between boat launches.  One trailer jockey took his whole family to the Buford Waterpark for the day in the customer’s Escalade after finding out that the customer was going to try to fish two stretches of river, ensuring he’d be on the water for over 10 hours.

Footage captured of Shuttle Driver being pulled over for doing 85mph in a 35mph school zone.  The driver can be heard giving the police officer a fake name, speeding off after tearing up the ticket issued and telling the police officer to "go taze yourself in the balls bro"

Footage captured of Shuttle Driver being pulled over for driving 85mph in a 35mph school zone. The driver can be heard giving the police officer a fake name, speeding off after tearing up the ticket issued and muttering obscenities to the officer during questioning.

All of this is the work of Jerry Karlin, your ‘average Joe’ trout fisherman fed up with never having any change in his car after his shuttles. “Trailer Jockeys need to elevate their game if people are going to trust these guys anymore” noted Karlin.  Back in 2013, Karlin set out to get an inside look into just what goes on during that 30 minute shuttle from Flaming Gorge Dam to Little Hole on the Green River.  Over the course of a two year period what he found ranged from the expected to the astounding.  Karlin decided to take action and during the summer of 2014 Karlin convinced 250 people countrywide to install hidden cameras in their vehicles in search of the truth and possibly some justice.

Minor damage done by shuttle service in Michigan - client found vehicle in the parking lot this way.  Review of video footage showed that the shuttle driver engaged into a "Car Spotter Obstacle Course" in Plumbs Grocery store parking lot.

Minor damage done by shuttle service in Michigan – client found vehicle in the parking lot this way. Review of video footage revealed that the shuttle driver drove down an abandoned railroad track for three miles at 65 mph

Further inquiry of 10 regional car spotting services revealed that only 47% of shuttle drivers had valid drivers licenses.  Karlin and many others who are just plain sick of these shenanigans are advocating a trailer jockey certification program. Drug testing, background checks, eye examinations, proof of citizenship, and psych tests are but a few of the criteria.  Industry objection to regulation is fierce.  Veteran trailer jockey Skeeter McGavin summed it up in saying “Jockeys is gonna scatter like carney workers on payday”.

Even if Karlin doesn’t get his legislation, the work of the video footage that was captured lead to the arrests of 39 shuttle drivers abusing the job as a means of funding everything from drug trade to illegally transporting bottles and cans across state lines for undeserved recycling refunds.  If you suspect your local shuttle service of foul play just mention that you’ll be fishing with Jerry Karlin on your next trip and rest easy that you’ll be taken care of.

Tuesday Bananas